pause between the moments.

Our 20’s are often full of possibility, a go after what you want spirit, and the energy to do so. Oh, my 20’s were so good to me. I had the career I loved… oh, I’m sorry. For those under 30 - back then, after you graduated college - there were career opportunities waiting for you ;)

My Facebook status was marked “in a relationship”, and it was in the process of being changed to “married”. (I think I lost the 30 and under crowd already.) We were traveling everywhere, and to top it off, I rounded off my 20’s by giving birth to our 2 beautiful daughters.

Lucky for me, during those years I knew I had it great. I did not take for granted the boundless energy it took to be at work by 5:30 a.m., to have a thriving social life, a partner who shared the same entrepreneurial desires I had, and a “why not” attitude when it came to most areas of our lives. Our parents were excited to be new grandparents, and we were surrounded by love and support. How lucky am I?!

Just the other day, my husband and I were reminiscing about our 30th birthdays. For him, we discussed the Irish Pub we hosted his birthday party at. And then he said, “wait… what did we do for your 30th?” We both sat there for a minute, and I vaguely remember maybe going out to dinner after I was finished breastfeeding, changing diapers, making the babysitter notes, and oh hell - who knows. I don’t remember. I did NOT pause between the moments.

In hindsight, I now see that Birthday as a clear sign that read “welcome to your 30’s…. buckle up sister.”

Now I understand everyone’s stories are different. This is just my experience. In my early 30’s, I quickly realized I drank up ALL the party juice in my 20’s. All of those exciting milestones! It was freaking glorious! (Hold on, I need a minute)… ahh, ok.

For me, that’s when real life kicked in. I was now 30, with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Remember how I mentioned both the husband and I having that entrepreneur mindset? That’s code for we were broke. It was cool in our 20’s. but now we have kids and a mortgage. My husband was off and running hard for our family. He was now starting to get a little footing in his new career that I believe started off with, we will give you 15k your first year, and if you are still here next year - we won’t fire you - job. In the meantime I was running myself thin with the kids, the job, and knowing I wanted to start my own business.

I wasn’t making enough money in my position to pay a full time babysitter with the hours we both had. That’s ok, I thought. I’ll stay home during the day, and I’ll start teaching yoga at night, I’ve always wanted to teach yoga full time anyway… and I can really dive into the work I’ve always wanted to do!

And then I believe we had this discussion

Alysia, are you sure? Are you really sure you want to stay home? We can make it work if you don’t think this is a good idea. Is that wine? Alysia? Hello??

I don’t think we saw much of each other over those next 5 years. Oh those years were hard. My father in law suddenly passed away, and unfortunately, my mother in law was not in a position to handle such circumstances. So my husband did it. He took care of me and our children, his fathers passing, his mothers newly diagnosis of Huntington’s Disease, and soon to come his mothers illness. We felt like babies who had babies, who were taking care of our elderly babies.

We were exhausted. Exhausted. In our mid 30’s we found ourselves managing our 2 energetic kiddos, moving into a new home, moving my mother in law to an assisted living facility, and eventually moving her into a nursing home and taking care of her. In the meantime, like life does, we hit several other family hardships, and the days were taking their toll on us. I was still drinking all of the wine, and beginning to ask myself - do I even like to drink? I feel like crap. I used to be going to yoga, doing all the workouts, and cleansing… Oh, the dog died too. Back to the wine.

I was not pausing… I was just going, and often numbing.

Don’t worry, this isn’t a whoa is me story. Its just a recognition of real life. During those times, we also made great friendships, got together with the old ones, and laughed a lot… and peed, because… kids.

Now, I don’t think I need to explain the end of my 30’s… you were there. COVID, loss, humanity… you get it. Wine.

So, why the heck am I going on and on about my life that you didn’t ask to hear about?

Because I believe Brene Brown when she says,

We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.

So in this moment… this is my pause. This is my reflection. And this is my smile!

The husband and I took off last weekend for Nashville. You see, not only am I turning 40, but we are also celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary this month! We needed Nashville. We needed the going out conversations of “Hey! It’s great to see you! How are you, you’re looking good these days. What have you been up to? Is it just me or is it REALLY loud in here. Let’s take a nap before dinner, ok?!” - we took a breath between the moments.

During so, I got to tell him how SO excited I am to have the time again to pursue what needed to be born in my late 30’s. This nonprofit and mission that I love! I also love that our girls are 10 and 12 and they get to witness their mom go back out there and “do the damn thing”! I’m heading into this decade with mental strength I’ve never had before, confidence in who I am, a clearer understanding of what our world truly is, and how I can continue to be of service to it.

Whether you’re in your 30’s, 50’s, or 80’s - Life sure does peak and valley, doesn’t it? It’s joyful, and it’s painful, it’s fun, and it’s scary. It’s happy and it’s sad.

May I suggest, whenever you get those small glimpses of who you REALLY are, the person you knew yourself to be even as a child, you pause and enjoy that person. Not what stress and trauma has done to you. Because that’s not who you really are, that’s a moment, and in that moment you were doing the best you could with the best you had. let’s call mine… way too much wine ;)

In between the noise, in between the chaos, remember to enjoy the life moments that bring you peace and joy. The pause in between the life moments. That’s the real you!

xo. alysia