How to get through December

And by December, I mean the s#*t that’s on our to-do list, and all of the action around us.

A powerful moment during a past mat project session which I often think about, involves this very message.

About a year ago, I was leading a yoga class with the girls in the Juvenile Correctional Facility. This particular class had about 12 girls in the group. The energy in the room was loud to say the least.

I found I spent most of this class asking these girls to please stay on their own mat, and stop mouthing off to the others in the group. But somehow, we still managed to come together in a circle, and practice yoga. When I know I only have 45 minutes to work with the girls, and the energy is this high, I also know I have to meet them where they are. We play louder music, we practice fun balancing poses, we talk. After all, our first priority is to let them know, we are here for YOU.

After we build some trust, and enjoy each others company, we then ask them to sit quietly with us. I will gradually move us to stillness, breathing exercises, and meditation.

Oh, but not this day, my friends. Not this day. The girls were on level 10 and just wanted to keep going with the high energy. This is a space where they often feel safe. To always be “on”. Fight or flight. I’m louder than you, so you can’t hurt me.

But I decided to keep going. “ If you want to join me you can,” I told them.

About half of the group decided to join me when it was time to quiet down and rest. Then, all of sudden I hear this coming from one of the girls (yelling. loudly.)

“Shut the hell up! You’re all being so disrespectful. I can’t concentrate. I can’t focus. Shut up! What the F is wrong with all of you?!” and maybe some other words, I chose to block out.

She was outraged. She was feeling like the room was out of control, and it triggered her to lash out.

So I chose to let the room continue as they were… some listening to me, some not. I then walked over to her mat, and I asked her to sit down with me. I sat in front of her, and I told her if she feels comfortable, she may close her eyes, and I am not going anywhere. I will be her eyes for her, right in front of her.

She eventually closed her eyes, and I proceeded to ask her to take a few deep breaths and just listen to my voice. Somehow this came out of my mouth -

We cannot control those around us. Not in this room, not at home, not in this big world. But we can control how we deal with it. This world can be a loud place. We can hear it in this room right now, can’t we? But we have the choice right now, do we breathe through it? Or do we fight against it? Keep breathing.

At this point, with her eyes closed, tears just started pouring down her face.

I continued.

I know it’s not easy. We want those around us who may have hurt us to change. But we have no control over them. Keep breathing. Relax your muscles, relax your body. I’m here to watch the room for you. Let your body relax. It’s ok. You are ok. Just breathe. Let it go. Relax. I’m right here.

A few of the other girls became curious of what was happening in the quiet part of our circle. Some joined in. But truthfully, I knew I needed to be there for just her this day. WE shared tears. We hugged.

I know this sounds like a dramatic moment. But I also know, we ALL have these moments.

Over this past week, I experienced something which happens to me from time to time, especially when my schedule ramps up. I began having panic attacks, waking me up from my sleep, thinking something horrible was about to happen. Often feeling like I’m about to stop breathing at any moment. After a couple of those, I tried getting through a feeling of sinking depression for a couple of days, all while going on with my “to-do list”.

I told you I would share more when I’m ready….

She Ready ~ Tiffany Haddish

But you know what? Now, I know what to do. I stop. There is nothing on my list of family traditions, December birthday celebrations, saying yes to friends, fundraisers, or even teaching a yoga class that will come before my mental health. I too, will sit in a moment of chaos like Sierra, close my eyes, and just breathe. I too, will practice letting go of what I cannot control, as badly as I want it. So, I did. I literally threw in the damn towel for about two days, went to sleep, walked, and didn’t answer my phone. And oddly enough, the world kept on turning….. and now I feel better.

I remember telling a therapist years ago, “Isn’t funny, I’ve been diagnosed (and live with) severe panic disorder, and extreme anxiety with depression, and I’m a meditation and yoga teacher?”

She responded…. “that makes you an understanding one.”

I don’t need you to justify your stress, your fears, or your anxiety to me. I understand you, and in my own way. I have the tools to help. That’s what I’m here for. Please look at your to-do list this holiday season. And then ask yourself, at what cost am I willing to make things perfect?

Just love. That’s all anyone wants from you.

xoxo

Alysia